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| Notes from missed class 4/19/00 | Research Paper | |||||||||||||||||||
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Class notes 4/19/00 LOSS AND GRIEF Everyone goes thorough a grieving process at sometime in their life. Tasks of Grief 1. Accepting the reality of a loss A. Focus on the fact that it has occurred B. Refer to the person in past tense C. There are some losses that it is impossible to overcome. D. Focus on a span of time to have overcome it by. 2. Normalize and Legitimize the appropriate reactions. A. Visions of the dead loved one and depression are normal reactions. B. Create a safe environment for these reactions. C. Picture therapy and writing foster therapeutic healing. 3. Adjust to the loss. A. What would life be like if I could give up the fantasy of recovering this person? 4. Establish a new social network. A. Remember it is not your fault. DSM, V-code = problematic condition but not a psychological condition. One of the most devastating and disillusionment inducing is what occurs then people are abused in a relationship. Abuse happens in all demographics despite race or status. Rationalization occurs. Low self-esteem is usually a factor. Best defense is prevention = you have to know what to look for. 3 Stages 1. Tension buildup, feel uncomfortable. a. Jealousy, possessiveness, isolation, anger, degradation, abuser is controlling = all characteristics of an abuser. b. Wants to know where you are at ALL times. c. Psychotically using fake circumstances to lure one into doing what they want. d. If I can?t have you no one can. e. Would rather be on death row that to know that you are with another person. f. If something tells you inside ?this relationship is wrong? GET OUT. 2. Restricts friendship with opposite sex. a. If ignores you when he sees an attractive member of the opposite sex. 3. Uses guilt for manipulation a. Confrontational makes it look like it?s your fault that he is upset. Collectively these are signs, but you have to use common sense. One particular episode does not necessarily mean that he will abuse you. Women do abuse men usually though it is not reported. It is embarrassing to them due to the size differential. Until recently most women did not report abuse either. Rule of thumb = original meaning = legal for a man to beat his wife as long as the size of the stick he beats her with does not exceed the diameter of this thumb. When children come into a relationship all rules are off. You are no longer your spouses main source of attention and concern. When choosing a mate, look for a history of abusive action by them or their family. Check it out before you commit. A wife can be submissive to headship and not be abused. Husbands should only use their headship to make final decisions not to make their spouse a servant or slave. |
The Keys To A Successful Marriage We have all heard that at least 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Why? How do the remaining percentage make it work? Some say that communication is the key. Is that really true or is it how we react to confrontational situations? Is satisfaction with intimacy a factor, or is it just that some people choose badly? In the next few pages we will discuss research on this matter, what has been proven to work, and what has failed. COMMUNICATION Doctors, Brant Burleson and Wayne Denton, (Burleson & Denton, 1997 p.5) studied the relationship between ones communication skills and their marital satisfaction. They chose this study because previous research in this field indicated, "communication problems are the major source of interpersonal difficulties. For example, most marital and family problems stem from misunderstanding, from ineffective communication, which results in frustration and anger when implicit expectations and desires are not fulfilled." (Okun, 1991 p.5). Burleson and Denton (Burleson & Denton, 1997i p. 5) decided to study 60 couples, 59 married and 1 living together for 4 years. They used a Dyadic Adjustment Scale, a positive feelings questionnaire, and a role category questionnaire to determine each individual communication style and skill. Next each couple was given a communication box (two handheld plastic boxes with 5 buttons on each box that correspond to ratings from very negative to very positive). These boxes were connected by a control box, which was placed between the participants. A green light on the box gave one party the floor. After their turn speaking, the spouse would rate how they intended their mates to feel about what they had just said. In turn the mate would rate how they actually felt about their spouses statement. Their results showed that "couples in which spouses were collectively better at predicting the impact of their messages on one another had more positive feelings for one another." (Burleson & Denton, 1997. Pg.5) However, they also discovered that "distressed husbands and wives were no less skilled than their non-distressed counterparts." (Burleson & Denton, 1997 p. 5). It seemed that the distressed couples were distressed due more to ill will for their spouse than poor communication, which brings us to our next point, conflict reactions. CONFLICT RESOLUTION & REACTION Most marital therapists have used a discussion meathead called "Active Listening" to assist couples in working out their differences. Is this the best therapy? Not according to Prof. John Gottman of the University of Washington. He discovered that the Active listening model did not have positive outcomes for newlywed couples. (Gottman, 1998 p. 5). Lawrence Kurdek conducted a study of husbands and wives conflict resolution styles. He categorized their styles into constructive strategies (such as compromise, agreement and humor) and destructive strategies (such as conflict engagement, withdrawal and defensiveness). His group consisted of 155 couples and three annual assessments of their conflicts and marital satisfaction. Low marital satisfaction tended to be associated with the wife used conflict engagement and the husband withdrew. On the other hand husbands who used conflict engagement and wives rarely withdrew were generally satisfied with their marriage. (Kurdek, 1995 p.5) From these results we can see that withdrawal is not a good form of conflict resolution and will not lead to a successful. It is good to get things out in the open. "Couples who avoid the pain of confrontation may be at long-term risk for eventual emotional distance and loneliness." (Gottman, 1993. p.5) SEXUAL INTIMACY In a study by Richard Mackey and Bernard O'Brian they explored this matter. They used 60 couples who had been married for at least 20 years, had no history of counseling and were of racial and religious diversity. They discovered that the amount of sex did not necessarily dictate their satisfaction. Findings showed that sexual relations decreased with the birth of children and continued to decrease into the empty nest years, yet somehow these couples stayed happy. How? "Roughly half of the respondents reported that physical touching was an important part of their relationships, a figure that did not change throughout marriage." (Mackey & O'Brein, 1999 p.5). It seems as if mere physical touching was enough to keep these successful marriages going despite the decline in actual sexual relations. THE WRONG PERSON? Is it possible to just choose badly in making a decision to marry? According to Cynthia Wagner (1999) it is. She mentions that "eye rolling is just one subtle signal of contempt" (Wagner, 1999 p.5). Anger and bickering normally are not what destroys a marriage, but rather it is negative responses to their spouse's behavior. So if your potential mate rolls his eyes, is severely sarcastic of you or shows contempt for you, you probably are choosing the wrong person. CONCLUSION The most important factor, how we deal with conflict. Those who handled conflict in a positive light by compromising or using humor to lighten the mood were more satisfied with their marriage. Also important is the art of communication, remember holding things in forever can only lead to disaster. Also, never forget to show your spouse you love them. Simple touches, kisses and hugs can be even more rewarding and long-lasting than actual sexual intercourse. And last of all, make sure you choose the right person. If they are sarcastic or contemptuous towards you while you are dating they will continue to be so in the marriage. REFERENCES: Okun, B.F. (1991). Effective helping, interviewing, and counseling techniques (3rd ed.). Monteray, CA: Brooks/Cole Burleson, B. R, & Denton, W. H.. (1997) The relationship between communication skill and marital satisfaction: some moderating effects. Journal of Marriage and the Family. Volume 59 p. 884 - 902. Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C.. (1998) Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Bulletin Plus, April 1998. Kurdek, L. A., (1995) "Predicting Change in Marital Satisfaction from Husbands' and Wives Conflict Resolution Styles." Journal of Marriage and the Family. Volume 57 p. 153 ? 164. Gottman, J.M. (1993) The roles of conflict engagement, escalation and avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61, 6-15. Mackey, A & O?Brein, B.A. (1999) ?Adaptation in Lasting Marriages?. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Human Services. Volume 80, p. 587. Wagner C.G. (1999) Predicting successful marriages. The Futurist, volume 33 p. 20 | |||||||||||||||||||
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I am a big Cow and Chicken fan also. It is just the oddest cartoon I have ever seen. Mindless entertainment after a hard day at work, it's great. Check it out. | ||||||||||||||||||||
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